Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Moon River

Since my job (and therefore insurance) will cease on January 31, I've been taking advantage of the medical coverage. This morning's adventure was the Full Physical Examination. I added the "Full" because they specifically asked me when I made the appointment.

"Would you like the full physical?" (her emphasis)

"Yes. Yes, I would."

Along with the 12-hour fast (drink plenty of water!), I spent the last day or two mentally preparing myself to receive the full extent of the "full" physical. It's all in the name of science and my own health, right? If the doc needs to stick a finger or three up my ass...well, I guess it's for my own benefit.

Let's get straight to the point: no prostate exam. Also no peeing in a cup, no reflex test (although the little hammer was on the desk), no describing my drinking habits...

"Do you use alcohol?"

"Yes."

That was it. No follow-up questions. Apparently it doesn't matter if I imbibe a bottle of tequila per day or just have two wine coolers on the weekend.

Go ahead and read that last sentence again. That's how long it took the doctor to check both my ears, my eyes, and my moles. Excuse me, sir, did I get the express physical? I'm pretty sure I asked for the "full" business. We even covered my family history: grandpa (prostate cancer), grandma (breast cancer, diabetes), grandpa (prostate), grandma (lung), father (lung)...

"Well, I don't see anything in the family history to worry about."

Really? I'm obviously not a doctor or even qualified to use WebMD, but...really?

I'm pleased to be a healthy, strapping 30-year-old man and happy to not have a hand stuck up my butt, but I can't help but feel like my physical revealed very little about me besides my height and weight.

4 comments:

Ben said...

Is the guy in the photo wearing your gloves? I could see how they'd make you feel sexy. He's clearly enjoying them.

Anonymous said...

sexy gloves
sexy gloves
sexy gloves.

so, if i buy gloves at target, does that make me sexy too???

(and I'm glad your physical went well...and was the express - for your sake.)

Tim said...

He's actually taking them off after giving all of the members of the Blue Man Group physicals. And clearly he used the whole fist.

Ben said...

Wow, Tim. Wow.

(I didn't think those guys painted everywhere.)