Monday, February 26, 2007

Jeter Card

Apparently there are still people that collect baseball cards. I know this because there are companies that still produce baseball cards. For instance, Topps recently issued this Derek Jeter card:




Let's see. There's Jeter swinging the bat. Jose Molina (I believe) is behind the plate. Mickey Mantle (presumably in between drinks and blow jobs) is watching from the dugout. George Bush is standing and waving. Wait...what?

A Topps spokesman placed the blame on a single person, but I think it might be a brilliant marketing plan. Many sports fans haven't thought about baseball cards for a long time. Suddenly people are talking about them again, if only for a moment and for a strange reason.

And, yes, every other fan is sitting quietly while our President is standing and waving. Clearly Bush is confused. Again.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Concerned Friend

Interesting Saturday interaction:

Friend #1 emerges from bathroom.

Friend #2: "You have a nice solid?"
(pause)
Friend #2: "Because I had kibbles and bits..."
(pause)
Friend #2: "...this morning..."
(pause)
Friend #2: "...when I took a poop."

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Sexy talk

Two quotes from a Friday night. Both from a woman, if that matters:

"Hickeys are totally underrated. They feel great."

"You know what else I wish I could do? I wish I could ejaculate."

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Brush with Fame

It's past time for me to tell the tale - nay - the legend of Al Franken and my baseball. 'Twas a fine day back in, oh, I don't remember the year. Let's say 1991, after Ben and his family moved back to Minnesota from Miami. Or maybe it was 1988 or 89, before they left Bluebird Lane for south Florida. Anyway, Ben's family was at a Twins game, and, coincidentally, my family was sitting a few sections from his on the first base side. Prior to the event, Ben and I decided to meet at the top of my section during some inning.

This is the part of the tale that I prefer to tell through Ben's point of view. We've talked about this in recent years, and I believe I will do his version justice. If not, he can feel free to correct me.

Ben and I were chatting away. Probably talking about our teachers, playing sports, his mom's awesome cookies, Isaac Newton, video games, the fact that his little brother can stick his tongue in his own nose...or some such banter. I'm sure it was riveting. Ben was telling me some story when I raised my hand to suggest, "Hold that thought for one moment." I turned and caught a screeching line drive with my teeth! Or maybe I just caught a pop fly with my bare hands. I don't recall exactly, but the point is that I had myself a gen-you-ine major league baseball.

We continued our discussion, probably stopping briefly to laugh about me catching a baseball, and a few minutes later one of us noticed a man sitting a few rows below us. Being the comedy fans that we are and were, we recognized Mr. Franken immediately. I think this was before his Stuart Smalley days because, well, Stuart Smalley could have talked his way into better tickets.

Baseball. Al Franken. Baseball. Al Franken. Baseball...I eventually made the easy connection, located a pen, and had the future Minnesota Senator sign my souvenir. And if I had a digital camera, I could post the picture to prove it.

Never Fails

Sometimes my life calls for salsa. Like tonight, for instance. I wanted some black bean salsa. So, I picked some up on my way back from the gym. Unfortunately I failed to recall Ted's Immutable Law of Going Anyway After Working Out. I'm still figuring out the title, but it basically states:

When Ted is sweaty, tired, wan, and wearing mismatched workout clothes and he enters any sort of establishment - be it grocery store, restaurant, gas station, or bar - he will run into at least one very good looking woman. This will result in (1) Ted wishing he hadn't been sweaty, tired, and wearing mismatched workout clothes and (2) Ted wondering where these women are when he is clean and looking more dapper.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Happy Monday!

Pretend you are a math teacher. Four other teachers and you have spent, let's say, 25 hours over the past two weeks diligently putting together a 400-slide presentation on Calculus. On Monday, the group is due to show your work to a group of 10,000 professors, teachers, students - basically a crowd with mixed degrees of expertise, but all are interested in your offering on Calculus.

Now pretend you wake up on Monday morning, begin the 400-slide presentation, and see that 2,000 slide have been added. Some of the new slides are the exactly the same as yours, some are about Algebra, some are about Trigonometry, some are about Different Equations, and some are about Physics. These new slides are somewhat randomly mixed amongst your 400.

You pissed off? Because that's how I felt this morning. Good times.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Week in Review

--Babies are everywhere, and this is just the beginning.
--The value of my baseball will increase when a comedian becomes a Senator.
--I busted out some Mental Floss knowledge for the first time.
--An old friend won't let go.
--It was Valentine's Day was this week, and I felt a little sick to my stomach.
--The Bausch sisters and Amber found my blog.
--I've staked roughly $20 on a relief pitcher who once retired for four years.
--A server at a local fast food restaurant really wants to hang out with me.
--Holding the ball for the final minute of a rec basketball game doesn't work.
--Sundays are very unproductive when you drink and play minigolf all day on Saturday.

...and despite it being a "down time" of the year, I'm behind on my work.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Words I Don't Know: Littoral

More from Cormac McCarthy. I don't have the full sentence in front of me, but last night I noted the phrase "littoral of siltstained rocks" in "Suttree." Good ol' Merriam-Webster has two entries, (1) adjective and (2) noun:

Pronunciation: 'li-t&-r&l; "li-t&-'ral, -'räl
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin litoralis, from litor-, litus seashore
--of, relating to, or situated or growing on or near a shore especially of the sea

Function: noun
--a coastal region; especially: the shore zone between high tide and low tide points

I also found this entry from the Minnesota DNR:
"Littoral zone: This is defined as that portion of the lake that is less than 15 feet in depth. The littoral zone is where the majority of the aquatic plants are found and is a primary area used by young fish. This part of the lake also provides the essential spawning habitat for most warmwater fishes (e.g. bass, walleye, and panfish)."

My sentence:
She sells seashells by the littoral.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Talking to Chuck

I've been talking to Chuck quite a bit over the past three months. The quick-of-mind and ad-aware among you will realize that means I've spent quite a few hours dealing with Charles Schwab. My father, mother, and I all have/had accounts at that fine institution, but I didn't pay significant attention to my own, meager balances until my dad's passing.

In past years, I'd only think about funding my IRA when a statement reminded me or when, for instance, my dad would suddenly ask me while we were waiting to tee off on the eighth hole. "Say, did you put any money into your IRA yet this year?" My face turns red. A sheepish "no" crosses my lips. Mental notes are made. Then forgotten. At some other time, I'll explain about my amazing, fiscally conservative grandfather who passed on many of his traits to his eldest, highly successful son. And how those traits didn't fully move on to the next generation (me).

Anyway, I've been helping to settle my dad's estate, transfer his accounts, deal with my mom's accounts, and other fun stuff at Charles Schwab. Oddly enough, they treat you pretty well when you have more than a few measly dollars hanging out in an IRA or basic account. They also repeatedly show you books full of pie charts, investment plans, past results, the history of large caps and small caps and bonds and CDs and blah blah blah.

I fancy myself a fairly bright cookie. I'm no genius, but if you show me the same pie chart six or seven times, I get the point. I've attempted to use that knowledge to rearrange my own portfolio. See that? I'm using words like "portfolio" now. Baby all grows up. I spent a few weeks selling a couple things, buying a lot of things, moving funds, and generally acting like I know what the hell I'm doing. This shit scares me. I hate gambling because I hate losing money, but I fully understand the quarter-to-slot and dollar chip-to-blackjack dealer transactions. Investing? Well, I think have some of the basics down, but I know it's not simple. I'm probably not maximizing my potential gains. I'm probably not protecting myself against loses. I'm certainly out of my league. I probably shouldn't be checking the balances every day.

But...I'm trying to stay positive. All I can really do is try a few different things and see how they work, right? My dad would either be proud of me for taking charge or scoffing at some of my investment decisions. I'm not sure which it would be, and I'm sure he wouldn't have shown his feelings either way.

Ethan and me


The little guy (Ethan) belongs to a friend of mine who lives in Chicago. This picture is from my recent visit. I'm chosen not to post the image that also includes the father because, really, it's all about the kid and me.

Girls, Girls, Girls

We're roughly six weeks into the calendar year, and it's already been a rough one on the female front. On Sunday, Chelsea said she was "practically my girlfriend," and that's easily been the high point of my dating life this year. How sad is that? Chelsea is happily married to my friend Matt.

Earlier this year, I ended my relationship with a woman I'd been dating for a few months. That entire tale may be better recounted at another time, but the bottom line is that I wasn't able/ready to emotionally invest myself in her following my father's death. That may still be the case moving forward, although I think it may be different with a woman I meet in the future. I'm not sure why I feel that will be the case. I just do.

Anyway, since that time, I've broken a couple old rules. First, I asked out a waitress. I promised a friend (who used to be a server) never to do that. To my defense, I've known the woman for a couple years. It's not like I was at this restaurant for the first time and hit on an anonymous waitress. She said yes...only to text message later, cancel the date, ignore me for a few weeks, and eventually apologize and say she was still getting over an ex. Didn't know about that at the time.

Second, I hit on a bartender. Remember my friend I made the server promise to? She was also a bartender. Same promise. I promised to break this promise and ask out the bartender. She was extremely good-looking, funny, kept coming back to talk to me, introduced herself to me, etc., etc. Oh, yeah, then I found out she is married. Dammit.

I have another tale or two to tell, but I'll stop there for the moment. I'm not ready to get into the fact that my mom is trying to set me up on a blind date. And that my sister has suddenly jumped on that bandwagon. Sigh.

Hi Bauschy Sisters!

I'm pleased to report that Karah and Chelsea have found their way to my blog. The two wonderful sisters didn't sound so happy about me not telling them earlier, but I truly meant no harm by my actions - or lack thereof. If you have somehow stumbled across my blog but not checked out Bauschy, I urge you to do so. They are two intelligent, beautiful, hilarious women, and two of the best friends a guy could ever ask for. In fact, Chelsea and Karah are the reasons why I ever put word-to-blog in the first place. I should probably buy them a drink or two for that.

Monday, February 12, 2007

All Bets Are On

Much of my job involves predicting future stats for professional baseball and football players. I then discuss my projections with my colleagues. And by "discuss" I mean get into heated arguments with other men about people most of the world couldn't care less about.

Meet Salomon Torres
, Pittsburgh Pirates relief pitcher.





(photo courtesy of sportsillustrated.cnn.com)


Last Friday, a co-worker and I not-so-calmly and not-so-nicely chatted about Torres' value versus other relief pitchers. I wanted to move him up a whole two spots on our rankings. He felt otherwise. So did others. In the end, Torres shifted up one slot (yeah me!).

On Monday, we laid some money on the line regarding our feelings about Mr. Torres. We set his 2007 save total line at 14.5, and I have the over. As soon as Salomon reached 15 saves, I win lunch. Another colleague jumped in on the fun, and we set a line at 15.5. Thus, I need Torres to reach 16 saves to win a second lunch.

I know, I know...huge stakes. But it's all about pride, people. Pride and a 34-year-old pitcher who retired from 1997-2001. I'll be keeping count over there in the right edge column. Opening Day for the Pirates is April 2. Get hot, Salomon!

Stupid Monday

Me, frustrated by something breaking at work: "Damn it! I'm an idiot!"
Co-worker: "Yeah, we know."

Sadly, I'm pretty sure he was serious.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Words I Don't Know: Ordurous

Welcome to the first installment of words I don't know. I came across "ordurous" in Cormac McCarthy's novel "Suttree." Based on McCarthy's use, my guess was that the word did not have a pleasant meaning. I was right.

A Merriam-Webster online dictionary search came up empty but led me to "ordure":
Pronunciation: \ˈr-jər\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from ord dirty, foul, from Latin horridus horrid
Date: 14th century

1: excrement
2: something that is morally degrading

My sentence:
"Norbit" appears to be an ordurous movie, but it dominated the weekend box office by taking in $33.7 million.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Stay hot, Shavlik

John Amaechi, an ex-NBA player, recently admitted that he's gay. And? So what? Yeah, I'm with you on that response. It's only a big deal because professional sports players rarely (read: never) admit to being gay. At least in the United States. My guess is that it's the same in other countries. Anyway, ESPN asked some current NBA players to react to Amaechi's revelation (which will appear in book form in the coming weeks) and about having a gay teammate. The funniest/saddest response came from 76ers forward Shavlik Randolph:
"As long as you don't bring your gayness on me I'm fine."


That's Shavlik on the left, hanging out with Sean Dockery during their Duke days.

Stay hot, Shav. I suspect that Randolph and 76ers teammate Steven Hunter are closet lovers. Here is Hunter's quote:

"For real? He's gay for real? Nowadays it's proven that people can live double lives. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of sick perverted stuff about married men running around with gay guys and all types of foolishness."

Thursday, February 8, 2007

This is bullshit

My company recently installed a single-cup coffee machine. It replaced the, umm, nothing they had before, so it's an upgrade. However, it's tough to remember that on mornings like this one. We are down to five boxes of single-serving cups(the things we place into the machine). Three of the boxes are "Breakfest Blend" and boast:

"Light, sweet and engaging.
Our Favorite way to start the day."

Bullshit. It's a light roast. Are you really so chipper in the morning and so happy about the Breakfast Blend that you capitalize "Favorite"? Who am I even talking to?

The other two boxes are French Roast Decaf. I'd rather punch my sack than drink decaf. As far as I know, only one person in our office drinks the stuff, and he no longer works here. Those two boxes will still be sitting there in 2010.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

300

The movie trailers for "300" seem to be popping up more and more often these days (or maybe I'm just watching at the right time), and I, for one, am excited about the flick. I know it's based on a Frank Miller graphic novel series which is based on history. We've all played the "telephone" game and know what happens when events are adapted over time and in different mediums. I'm bright enough to know that the movie will differ greatly from the actual, but, since I'm bored and there's nothing good on TV (I don't watch "Lost"), I decided to do a little research.

--Xerxes, the Persian king, decided to attack the Greek people in 480 BC.

--Two key battles took place on August 11, 480, or so history (Herodotus) would have us believe that they were simultaneous. Other sources beg to differ. (1) King Leonidas and the Persians fought a land battle in Thermopylae. (2) a Greek fleet, led by Themistocles and containing mainly Athenian triremes, engaged the Persian transport fleet off Artemisium. Here's a general image of the area. Both Thermopylae and Artemisium were seen as narrow passages where the Greeks could hold off the Persians despite smaller numbers.

--At the time, the pass of Thermopylae was only wide enough for one chariot to pass through.

--Leonidas had anywhere from 4,000-11,200 members in his army. Reports vary on that number. However, 300 of the (presumably) men were Spartans.

--Only 300 Spartans joined Leonidas because of the Olympics and Carneia. Missing either event reportedly angered the Gods, so most men stayed behind.

--The size of the Persian army has been the subject of much debate. Herodotus numbered them over 2,600,000 (a number which he roughly doubled to include servants and other support). Historians believe that enormous number to be rubbish, but it's fairly clear that Xerxes had a few more people at his back.

--Upon coming to Thermopylae, Xerxes tried to get Leonidas to surrender. This five-day period will undoubtedly show up in the movie and is the source of two famous Greek quotes. One, when Xerxes requested that the Greeks put down their arms, Leonidas responded with "Come take them." Two, as seen in the trailers, Herodotus writes, "It is said that on the eve of battle, (Dienekes) was told by a native of Trachis that the Persian archers were so numerous that, when they fired their volleys, the mass of arrows blocked out the sun. Dienekes, however, undaunted by this prospect, remarked with a laugh, 'Good. Then we'll have our battle in the shade.'"

--Xerxes' scouts saw the Greeks wrestling and combing their hair in preparation for the battle. The Persian king laughed and thought the opposition was engaging in childish acts.

--Xerxes first sent the Medes and Cissians (or Elamites) to attack the Greeks. One report numbers the first wave at 10,000, but they could not stand up to the fierce Greek soliders and their long spears.

--Xerxes then called upon his elite unit, the Immortals. Another 10,000. But they were equally unsuccessful. The Spartans kept luring their attackers into the narrow pass, thus eliminating the inequality of numbers and gaining an advantage with their long weapons. Some reports suggest the Persian officers forced more and more men to continue attacking and dying.

--Late in the second day, a Greek man named Ephialtes came to Xerxes and told the king of a hidden mountain path that would allow the Persians to encircle the Greeks. The Persians used a night attack to dispatch of the 1,000 Phocians which guarded the mountain path.

--Leonidas learned of the actions. Many Greeks subsequently left, either of their own volition or under Leonidas' orders. 300 Spartans, 700 Thespians, and 400 Boeotians/Thebans stuck around.

--The end came on the next day. Tales tell of Leonidas' death, and a subsequent struggle in which the Spartans are trying to carry away their king's body. The Spartans won out, for a while, but they were eventually all killed.

--The final contingent of Greek troops retreated to a hill and were slaughtered by a shower of Persian arrows.

--Xerxes found Leonidas' body after the battle and beheaded the Spartan king.

So, yeah, there you go.

Monday, February 5, 2007

A Man For All Seasons

Local weather writeup from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

"Monday, February 5, 2007 2:53 pm
-16 in the metro Monday morning, probably the coldest of the winter.
Windchill advisory expires at noon on Monday as winds ease up a bit."


Thermometer in my office:


Luckily, I'm not big on fashion, and I've learned to dress in many layers.

Germ Warfare

I don't classify myself as a germophobe, but I always lay down some toilet paper before using the public bathrooms at work. The act struck me as a bit strange this morning, though. Our stalls are fitted with the standard, weak toilet paper one expects of a work building. It's a little above what one might find in a seedy bar or port-o-potty, but it's still weak. Does it really matter that I'm putting this thing layer of paper between my cheeks and the seat? Or am I just living with the allusion of safety because I want to?

Well, here's what the people at cleanseats have to say about it:

"Paper toilet seat covers, hand towels and toilet tissue used to line the seats provide little protection, clog the plumbing and increase the cost of supplies."

The site goes on to advertise the Sani-Seat. You can read the explanation, but you know what's even better? The video! There's a short version ("It's that easy!") and a long version ("Paper is porous.")

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Congrats Colts

The Colts are on the verge of wrapping up a sloppy Super Bowl win over the Bears. I'm pleased for Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, Tony Dungy, and, ummm...David Letterman? I have a bunch of friends who are Bears fans, which means I should have been cheering for the Monsters of the Midway. Truly, though, I didn't care much one way or the other. I'm a pretty big football fan, but these two clubs are not on my short lists of clubs to love or hate.

It's been a little weird watching the Super Bowl this year. Because I have a short attention span, I've been flipping back and forth between the game and "Meet Joe Black." I don't particularly like the movie, but I tend to get sucked into flicks why wasting time on my couch. Anyway, I'd already been thinking about my dad earlier today (particularly when I saw a friend's mom this afternoon and particularly when I heard about another friend's aunt passing away), and "Meet Joe Black" obviously drove more thoughts about my father and death.

He would have been cheering for Dungy and Manning, I think. He would have fallen asleep during the third quarter but woke up during the post-game celebration. He would have called me tomorrow, brought up all the game's turnovers, and told me it was time to bring all my tax stuff over to their house. There are a lot of tough days and nights when it comes to remembering my dad. He'll undoubtedly come up in this blog again and again, and hopefully it doesn't become unbearable for readers

Or maybe that's "reader." Hi Ben.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

You can pick your friends...

...but not your co-workers. For some reason, a fellow employee from Miami decided to send a Teddy Roosevelt quote to the entire company today. Roosevelt was commenting about what it means/takes to be a true American. Another co-worker replied (again to the entire company) about certain issues with the quote. Teddy was speaking 100 years ago, and a few things have changed. Anyway, one thing led to another and led to this response:

-----------------
Down here it’s becoming difficult to go into a 7/11 and get directions in English.
It will be a few more years before you guys up there get overrun by people who want to turn your area into part of their old country.
But if will happen, and then you may just lean a little more toward keeping America America.
Sharpen up on your Spanish, you’ll need it.
-----------------

Oh no! Will Minneapolis and St. Paul suddenly develop Hmong, Mexican, and Somali communities? Oh wait...we already have some of those. And someone the Twin Cities still function. It's probably killed our tourism, though. Like New York and San Francisco. My brother lives in San Francisco, and I know we never ever want to visit Chinatown or the Mission. Or...wait...we always go there.

But only to ask for directions.

Super Bowl, Homeboy

The so-called worldwide leader in sports may play out the big game on Madden '07, but for the best results, true gamers know to turn to Super Tecmo Bowl...

http://www.thebbps.com/blog/2007/01/31/super-bowl-xli-winner/

Good stuff, although I'm not so sure about the weird laugh at the end.

My prediction? Colts by two. Dean Biasucci will kick a game-winning field goal in the final seconds.